When:
Monday 3rd June
Where:
Piccadilly Theatre
Why:
Cheap tickets
My
bag was bloody searched going into the Piccadilly Theatre, which set me against
them straight away. You’re not the O2 arena kids, you’re a slightly dingy half
empty theatre and it’s only a wee gin in a tin... Hmph. My gin-based
rage aside (FYI, I didn’t let them confiscate it; I pretended to drink it
outside then snuck it in via my mum’s bag... classy), I was intrigued to
see what lay before me as I took my seat right at the back of the stalls
with the rest of the Time Out ticket buyers (and behind several totally empty
rows of seats further forward). This was the “re-vamped” version of the show,
but even so its closure had been announced since I’d bought the tickets so
there was a slightly defeated air hanging over the auditorium. We were
bombarded with reality-TV style images and soundbites and videos around
the stage as it began and my heart slightly sank as I somehow knew it wasn’t
going to be good. I tend not to pay huge attention to critics, as if I
like something then I like it and whevs to everyone else. But in the case
of Viva, I think they were just right.
I
can’t speak about it for too long as it’s painful for me to criticise anything
that the Saunders has touched, not to mention my very long-standing
loyalty to the Spices themselves. But briefly – when you find yourself
only able to watch the stage through your hands, trying to smother a
hysterical laugh-sob as the audience around you sits in dulled and
somewhat upset silence, then you know something has gone horribly wrong.
One reviewer referred to a “miasma of disappointment” emanating from the
audience which I can confirm is totally accurate.
Not
all the cast were bad – the mum’s sidekick was quite funny and Doon
Mackichan-esque, and the guy from Eastenders was alright at being
essentially Simon Cowell. The moving barge which made up the stage was
also quite effective, even if what was happening on it was a travesty. The
best moment in the musical was the bedroom scene between the mother and
her new chap as they sang a hilarious version of 2 become 1 but I mean that’s
obviously a relative hilarity compared to the rest of the show. The
main girl, Viva, had a voice that wasn’t horrific but was just wrong for a
theatre (too LOUD mate, seriously), no-one else could really sing, and the
songs were totally abused. Some real crackers that would have completely
boosted the storyline were totally under-used – I’m looking at you, Mama, Headlines
and Say you’ll be there. The MEDLEY of Goodbye/Mama/Headlines was one of the
most awful things I have ever heard. The plot was going nowhere, I didn’t
really like any of the characters and it was all just SO disappointing. I
think because I was prepared to defend it to the hilt – I love everyone
involved (behind the scenes) and the Spice Girls are my original heroes – but I
was even more let down because I couldn’t redeem it. It was bizarre, not
funny, slow and painful.
I’m
sorry, I just can’t... I can’t go on... *runs out sobbing*
Brixpig x
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